Teenage

The Me I Don’t Know

What is happening to me?

What has happened to me?

What is going to happen to me?

What about me?

The me, even I don’t know.

The me that has been bent, broken, contorted, perverted, twisted,

Changed.

I can’t seem to admit the nasty truths to myself.

I’m falling apart, I know it.

I feel myself slipping away,

the control slithering away.

I’m aware of the panic building deep inside me.

The pressure sits in my chest,

But it’s not bad enough.

I’m not wheezing or gasping for air;

It’s just hard.

I think that’s the story of my life: not enough,

Not good enough,

Not bad enough,

Not sick enough,

Not well enough,

Not smart enough,

Not dumb enough.

I’m too much for the less; I’m too less for the great.

I’m too bad for the good, too good for the bad,

Too well for the sick, too sick for the well,

Too dumb for the smart, too smart for the dumb.

So I crack, push, squash, pull anything to fit anywhere.

I know what the trigger is to my panic;

I can identify it,

Articulate it.

So surely that means I’m not actually panicking.

 

I know what the trigger is,

The root cause,

I should do something about it.

But I don’t know

if I want to do something about it.

I don’t know how to fix it,

But what if I didn’t want to fix it?

What if I wanted to be comforted?

I think that’s all I want.

 

The Turning Point

My submission turned to rebellion

My kindness turned into aggression

My forgiveness turned into revenge

The abuse turned an innocent girl

Into an angry woman

The Sovereign Fire

I tell myself that

I am not theirs to pose,

To touch,

To sell.

That I’m not a body to brand

Or a face a frame.

That I won’t smile

While they carve pieces off me.

That I am not their fantasy.

I am not their product.

I’m a person.

And I belong

To no one

But me.

They’ll know exactly what I mean

When I say

I am done being beautiful.

I am done being loved.

I am not there to be admired.

I’m here to burn.

The shops were bright with Christmas cheer
And crowded streets stretched far and near
With tinsel, lights, and laughter loud
And carols sung by every crowd

A boy walked home beneath the snow
No gifts to give, no place to go
The frosty air around him stung
Yet in his heart, a warmth was sprung

He saw an old man on a bench
With frozen hands and eyes a-french
No coat to shield the biting cold
No story left to be retold

The boy approached with quiet grace
And offered him his woolen space
A scarf he wrapped around the man
A gentle act, a simple plan

The man looked up, his eyes grew wide
A smile broke free he could not hide
No ribbon tied, no paper bright
Yet it was surely Christmas night

The stars shone down, the streets grew still
A warmth spread out that none could chill
For sometimes gifts need not be bought
The truest love cannot be sought

And as the boy walked home alone
He felt a joy he’d never known
For giving, simple, pure, and kind
Leaves light and wonder in the mind

I’ve always wanted to be a saint
With no slander or defamation, that is my dream
A saint who could never do any wrong, that is my wish
A saint who couldn’t bring himself to hurt a fly
But as soon as I sign the contract
I feel a gaping hole inside
Is it me to be a saint?
Is it free to be a saint?
Maybe it was a mistake to be a saint
As soon as I become a saint, I lose myself
But if I turn back
I fall straight into hurt and pain
So tell me
Should I be a saint, giving love yet losing me
Or should I be me, falling into slander and defamation?

I had a terrible aversion to myself

The whispers of what I say lay on the shelf

I’m here yet again same as before

It always remembers me as I enter the door

The disgrace

The one who people wanted to erase

I’d been stabbed in the heart till it couldn’t break anymore

Sounds of shattering I couldn’t ignore

The emptiness is where I found my querencia

The sound of silence had a Valencia

Shot down before I could get on my feet

Gun fired quicker than a heartbeat

The emptiness was ringing in my ears

It was now I had to hide my tears

I lost every aspect

Puzzle pieces I can’t connect

Reverberations play through the weight behind my eyes

Those sounds were like my very own cries

I made it my legacy to take control

But instead, I let myself fall into this hole

The guiding light in a starless night

Dragged into a place where problems are the biggest sight

I felt lonely within all my shame

And that’s how loneliness learnt my name.

The lock ceilings
In my imagination,
You are my best consolation.
And now, you’re ghosting
And I’m left opened
Saw you on the internet
Why can’t you just pretend?
You turned yourself into the
BLACK OWL.
My words are enough now.
But I entangled in the spells of your words.
Now, I’m walking upward.
I’m lucky, I lost the
Man that ever be ruthless.

Pain hit hard, a crushing weight,
The 23rd — a test of fate,
A cruel state.
So deep it cut, life lost its glee,
Death felt kind, a distant dream.
But in that dark, a light was found,
A quiet hope began to sound.
Pain turned to power day by day,
It shaped a heart strong as clay.
Now standing tall, I passed the test,
Pain made me stronger than the rest.

First thing on a morning I wake up bright and early
7 AM to be exact
After that I go into my bathroom and brush my teeth
Then once I go on to washing my face with face wash for pores.
After I have been in the bath room
I get changed into my school uniform
I brush my hair and style it into either a ponytail
or some up some down .

I pledge allegiance
to the Flag of the United States of America,
and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible,
with liberty and justice for who?
Because it’s not me, nor you.

I pledge that in a classroom, right hand on my chest.
Never taught me the fine print,
never told that liberty had exceptions,
never told that justice asked for papers.

But liberty doesn’t live behind locked doors,
or use systems that punish innocent and call it law.
And justice doesn’t mean looking at skin like it’s a passport,
like colour is a confession to a crime assigned at birth,
or wanting a better life means you don’t deserve one.

People say,
They are just doing their job.’
As families are getting ripped apart and become collateral,
as children remember fear instead of playground rules.
You people proudly wear the colour of the blood that stain the streets,
but you don’t seem to be practicing the Godly love you preach.

You say he forgives your sins,
His blood set you free.
Don’t forget the same blood that forgives you, forgives those born overseas.
So why should I pledge allegiance to a government
that defrauds the ones who build our houses,
but cannot live in them,
the hands that harvest the food,
but are not able to taste the American dream,
and the bodies that bend over backwards so the country can stand tall.

So no.
I will not stand for this at all.

Christmas―
Started with glee
The allocation of a sock
For the get-a-gift spree .

Christmas Eve
The eve of hope
Was I good?
Or for the list, I was a nope?!

 

A place where I don’t belong,
Feeling all kinds of wrong.
Why is this happening to me,
a feeling that’s now familiar, not new to me?
Why does no one care,
why am I such a failure, it’s so unfair.
I just want a time and place for me to shine,
is that too much to ask for just this one time?
Rejection always hurts no matter what was the plan,
want the feeling of acceptance, being loved, part of the fam.
snide comments take a hit directly towards me,
sure no problem your not feeling right, I’m a target until I flee.
Why is it like this? Why do you win?
You’re always right, where do I even begin.
Don’t look at me like that, why do I deserve to be treated this way,
when you’re the one with the problem, stop running away.
just be yourself, let yourself shine,
stop running after others it will become your time.
You suck, stop hurting others cuz you’re in pain,
go get help, stop giving us the blame.
Why am I the victim of all your anger, leave me alone, let me be,
I’ve had enough of being the brunt of your hardship, took me time to see.
I’ll get up of course and move on,
pretend I’m fine, smile, live life, inside my heart weighing a ton.
People don’t see the pain, don’t see what’s really inside,
seeing their smiles makes me wanna hide.
We’re all hiding something we don’t want others to see
some harder than others, some find it easier to be free.
Why am I not good enough?
Why am I not fit?
To be a part of something I am never it.
I pretend I’m fine like everything’s great,
when deep inside I’m broke and my heart just aches.
Walking around with a stone on my heart,
I’ll live through it eventually, through all this dark.