Teenage

I’m sorry for the way you made me feel.
I’m sorry for all the distance issues that make you stay at home.
I’m sorry for all the shitty things you didn’t do.
And I’m sorry for everything else you ever did.
But I’m sorry most for how close you got to me.

I know this isn’t the nicest way to tell you I’m done,
But after pulling me close
Then icing me out,
This is the best you’ll ever get from me.

How you told me wonderful things and opened up my eyes,
But now I see them for what they were,
Lies.

I’m sorry for every little thing that bugs you.
I’m sorry that every week you become someone new.
I’m sorry for all the distance issues that give you anxiety.
And I’m sorry that you used it against me.
But I’m sorry most for how you messed with me.

Most nights I wonder how you lured me in.
And I wonder if I was ever your friend.
I wonder if you do this a lot.
And I wonder how you come away without a spot.
Even the shittiest person becomes an angel compared to you.

How many times I pushed myself to understand.
But I gave up a while ago, I became my own friend.

I’m sorry for all that you’ve ever done.
And I’m sorry that you’ve always won.
I’m sorry that you struggle with your sleep,
And I’m sorry for all that you’ve sowed and reaped.
But I’m sorry most for all you’ve done to me.

I never thought that it would end like this.
I’ve always tried to support you.
But you never held my hand, only my wrist.
I wanted to be with someone who didn’t change into someone new.

I’d never had thought that you’d try to drown me,
Try to kill me,
Try to bury me,
All while making me love you.

Oh, I’m sorry for everyone who put you up there.
And I’m sorry for your friends everywhere.
I’m sorry for your happy family.
And I’m sorry for the people you make happy.
I’m sorry that you’ll never know who you are.
And I’m sorry that you’re still that star.
I’m still sorry for thinking of you every night.
And I’m still sorry that you’ve never had a fight.

I’m sorry if people turn against you.
And I’m sorry if you betray those you knew.
I’m sorry if you wake up alone one day.
And I’m sorry that you make me feel this way.

If there was a bird stray on the streets,
Would you take it home and let it grow its wings?
If there was a man, unbeknownst to you,
Would you take care of him all night long, and even let him in?
Yes, you will say that I know out loud,
But when met with the tragedy, you turn the other way around.
Call me selfish, for I would do the same,
But letting a stranger into my place, that’s an action I would rather not take.
Cruelty and despair fills the heavens before,
Even the homeless, poor, young and old,
Filled with selfish, wicked deeds and faults.
A thing called gratitude left at the fall,
While the story unravels it all.
The kind have to change,
Selfish motives still remain,
Self-protection has only one say:
Ignore the new place and men in a silent whispering way.

I wasn’t ready to let you go, but everything comes to an end
just like how my love for you was always there, now it’s gone.
Your sweet talks and smell, fresh warm hugs like cookies.
gone.

But why are you gone, Cookie?

When I’m in a boring class at school
where my mind refuses to stay,
I gently close my eyes
and it takes me far away.
I pretend I’m a pirate,
and I sail the seven seas!
I pretend to be an explorer next,
and then I’m chased by bees.
Suddenly I’m in Paris,
staring in awe at the Eiffel Tower.
Then the ground shakes and I fall in Egypt?
I see the pyramids and Sphinx lying on the sand in all their might and power.
Then I climb onto a cloud and I’m off to the Amazon.
I’m attacked by many different insects.
I wish I had repellent on.
After seeing the vast river,
I’m teleported to Australia.
There were so many kangaroos,
but sadly just one koala.
And last but not least,
I jumped and I was in India.
The Taj Mahal, Qutub Minar, and so many temples.
There was so much to see here.
At last, I heard a shout,
and my dream fell apart.
I found my teacher glaring at me.
I was asleep from the start!

Bittersweet
You remember the old cartoons
Peppa Pig, Bubble Guppies, the classics
A carefree life
No homework to stress over
Just fun

School.
It’s fun.
You see your friends,
You laugh, you play
More importantly,
You learn.
You grow older.
More homework, more friends.
But still,
Fun.

Middle school.
More drama, harder subjects
It all happens too fast
You lose friends, you gain better ones

Now, it’s almost high school.
You look back and
Reflect
The good memories, the bad ones
And then…
You say goodbye

Milo is a good cat
Milo likes food
Milo likes cuddles
Milo likes to sleep

The Me I Don’t Know

What is happening to me?

What has happened to me?

What is going to happen to me?

What about me?

The me, even I don’t know.

The me that has been bent, broken, contorted, perverted, twisted,

Changed.

I can’t seem to admit the nasty truths to myself.

I’m falling apart, I know it.

I feel myself slipping away,

the control slithering away.

I’m aware of the panic building deep inside me.

The pressure sits in my chest,

But it’s not bad enough.

I’m not wheezing or gasping for air;

It’s just hard.

I think that’s the story of my life: not enough,

Not good enough,

Not bad enough,

Not sick enough,

Not well enough,

Not smart enough,

Not dumb enough.

I’m too much for the less; I’m too less for the great.

I’m too bad for the good, too good for the bad,

Too well for the sick, too sick for the well,

Too dumb for the smart, too smart for the dumb.

So I crack, push, squash, pull anything to fit anywhere.

I know what the trigger is to my panic;

I can identify it,

Articulate it.

So surely that means I’m not actually panicking.

 

I know what the trigger is,

The root cause,

I should do something about it.

But I don’t know

if I want to do something about it.

I don’t know how to fix it,

But what if I didn’t want to fix it?

What if I wanted to be comforted?

I think that’s all I want.

 

The Turning Point

My submission turned to rebellion

My kindness turned into aggression

My forgiveness turned into revenge

The abuse turned an innocent girl

Into an angry woman

The Sovereign Fire

I tell myself that

I am not theirs to pose,

To touch,

To sell.

That I’m not a body to brand

Or a face a frame.

That I won’t smile

While they carve pieces off me.

That I am not their fantasy.

I am not their product.

I’m a person.

And I belong

To no one

But me.

They’ll know exactly what I mean

When I say

I am done being beautiful.

I am done being loved.

I am not there to be admired.

I’m here to burn.

The shops were bright with Christmas cheer
And crowded streets stretched far and near
With tinsel, lights, and laughter loud
And carols sung by every crowd

A boy walked home beneath the snow
No gifts to give, no place to go
The frosty air around him stung
Yet in his heart, a warmth was sprung

He saw an old man on a bench
With frozen hands and eyes a-french
No coat to shield the biting cold
No story left to be retold

The boy approached with quiet grace
And offered him his woolen space
A scarf he wrapped around the man
A gentle act, a simple plan

The man looked up, his eyes grew wide
A smile broke free he could not hide
No ribbon tied, no paper bright
Yet it was surely Christmas night

The stars shone down, the streets grew still
A warmth spread out that none could chill
For sometimes gifts need not be bought
The truest love cannot be sought

And as the boy walked home alone
He felt a joy he’d never known
For giving, simple, pure, and kind
Leaves light and wonder in the mind

I’ve always wanted to be a saint
With no slander or defamation, that is my dream
A saint who could never do any wrong, that is my wish
A saint who couldn’t bring himself to hurt a fly
But as soon as I sign the contract
I feel a gaping hole inside
Is it me to be a saint?
Is it free to be a saint?
Maybe it was a mistake to be a saint
As soon as I become a saint, I lose myself
But if I turn back
I fall straight into hurt and pain
So tell me
Should I be a saint, giving love yet losing me
Or should I be me, falling into slander and defamation?

I had a terrible aversion to myself

The whispers of what I say lay on the shelf

I’m here yet again same as before

It always remembers me as I enter the door

The disgrace

The one who people wanted to erase

I’d been stabbed in the heart till it couldn’t break anymore

Sounds of shattering I couldn’t ignore

The emptiness is where I found my querencia

The sound of silence had a Valencia

Shot down before I could get on my feet

Gun fired quicker than a heartbeat

The emptiness was ringing in my ears

It was now I had to hide my tears

I lost every aspect

Puzzle pieces I can’t connect

Reverberations play through the weight behind my eyes

Those sounds were like my very own cries

I made it my legacy to take control

But instead, I let myself fall into this hole

The guiding light in a starless night

Dragged into a place where problems are the biggest sight

I felt lonely within all my shame

And that’s how loneliness learnt my name.