(with apologies to Charles Causley)

Colonel Fazackerley Butterworth-Toast

Was quite irritating to me, his house ghost.

I’m not sure he knew I was trying to haunt him,

As none of my scariest ghost tricks could daunt him.

My plan for the first night was really quite fine,

I would appear; he’d knock over his wine.

But at some point it all utterly failed,

I was shocked; people normally screamed and flailed.

I appeared and screamed my dread warning out,

I pulled up a tile and vanished the grout.

But he remained completely unfazed;

If anything, only a little bit dazed.

The next bit really was the final straw.

I gave my best ever terrifying roar

But, just as before, he did not seem to care,

And only put down his wine to stare.

Everything I could find was thrown about,

Still there was only one thing he would shout

And that thing was “Encore! Encore!”

Whatever I did, he wanted more.

I floated around between ceiling and floor:

I floated around and I walked through the wall

I returned through a window without a slight break

And backed up the chimney, for haunting’s sake!

Finally, I just could not stand it-

Neither could I understand it.

I left to look for new vacancies;

The ghost estate agent is awful at these.