Every day, I look forward to seeing the blue-eyed face
of the one person who makes me more awkward
and shy than I already am.
First thought: my life hasn’t started yet.

University in Liverpool. Fashion journalist in New York.
My silhouette, perhaps even in a clipping of my own.
If only there were instructions for how to get there.

Today I received a U (ungraded) in an English essay
and my teacher wants to see me next week.
It made me feel stupid.
I don’t study as hard as I should for my A-levels.

I’m wondering how I could be more assertive and confident.
How to stop speaking from my throat when I’m nervous.
I need to learn how to talk from my diaphragm instead.

Today one of the girls in my Sociology class inspired me
to buy a pair of white linen trousers after I saw her wearing some.
I got the Beatles question right on the morning quiz.
My form tutor was really quite impressed with that.

I am a sham because I say I want to work hard and then
spend far too much time thinking and wasting time.
My anxiety has been very prevalent recently, I’ve noticed.

I have to pretend to be unaffected when they kiss
each other constantly at lunch.
There are other people here too, you know.
I feel like he’s making fun of me.

Now, I don’t know when I’ll write next
but I’ll tell you if anything happens, which it won’t.
Life hasn’t begun yet. Love, Lucy.