Joshua Seigal

How To Make a Joshua Seigal

Firstly, congratulations on your purchase of a brand new Joshua Seigal kit. Follow these simple instructions and you will end up with your very own silly poet.

Step 1

Get a head, some arms, some legs, some hands and some feet, and arrange them into the shape of a person. Don’t forget to put some clothes on it – you wouldn’t want to make people sick, would you? Top it off with some eyes, a nose and a mouth, and some short black hair.

Beard is optional, but glasses are definitely necessary.

Step 2

Now it is time to start filling the brain up. Start with some memories.

Pour out the memories into a big bowl, and use a syringe (supplied separately) to suck them up and deposit them into the brain. These are some of the most important memories you will need for successful construction of your Joshua:

• The time Joshua wrote his first ever poem, about otters, when he was five

• The time Joshua’s brother and sister were born

• The time Joshua’s family got their dog, Winston

• The time Joshua first stood up in front of people and said a poem

• The time Joshua won a Nobel Prize for inventing a type of tomato that can predict the future

• The time Joshua told a lie

Step 3

As well as memories, you will need also to fill up the brain with some imagination. The best place to look for imagination is down the back of the sofa. Crawl on all fours behind your sofa, and gather a big pile of imagination. It should be there among the bits of fluff. Dump it into the brain of your Joshua. Lots of bits will probably fall onto the floor – don’t worry about this, just leave them there.

Step 4

Your Joshua is nearly ready, but not quite. You need to add some bad stuff (to make him appear human). Fortunately bad stuff is all around us, so you don’t need to look very far. I recommend collecting up the bad stuff in a One Direction pencil case. Here are some of the bad things you will need to complete your Joshua:

• Being really rubbish at getting out of bed

• Never ironing clothes

• Wearing uncool trainers

• Eating food that has fallen on the floor

• Talking when the teacher is talking

Once you have gathered a big pile of bad stuff, sprinkle it over your Joshua.

Step 5

Now it is time to add a little bit of good stuff to your Joshua. Here are some of the good things you should look for:

• Really enjoying working and playing with children

• Having the confidence to stand up in front of a group of people and say poems

• Believing in himself

• Believing in everyone else

• Helping people to fulfil their potential, develop confidence and a love of language

• Not getting too jealous of other people, especially other poets

Don’t worry if you can’t yet find all of these things. Try to find as many of them as you can, and sprinkle them over your Joshua. They might not all be absorbed immediately, but they should gradually seep in over the coming years.

Step 6

Congratulations! You now have your very own Joshua Seigal.

(Remember that ‘Seigal’ is pronounced ‘seagull’, and make childish, teasing bird noises accordingly.)

My Grandpa's Beard cover

Now it is time to let your Joshua run loose and wild and free.

Watch him go into schools and perform poems during assembly! Marvel as he works with children to help them write their own poems!

Gasp in astonishment as he publishes a book of poetry and performs at the Edinburgh Festival!

Spontaneously combust with admiration as he makes himself a website with his own bare hands!

Heave with horror as he eats a Malteser that has just fallen onto the kitchen floor!

Supplementary Material

To truly complete your Joshua Seigal, here is a little poem:

M y F a v o u r i t e T h i n g


are my favourite thing

in the whole world.

Well, you

and my sheep

and my tree.

And I quite like

the twenty-first letter

of the alphabet.

So I guess you could say

my favourite things

are you, ewe, yew and U.

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